The Men You'll Meet Climbing

The Men You'll Meet Climbing

Hypocritical light fun. Poking at the kind of male climbers you see floating around.

The Beta-spraying Pickup Artist: 

Found almost exclusively indoors. Actively seek out unknown attractive females to instigate conversation by the beta-spraying method. i.e. Providing unsolicited advice how to climb a route. Also prone to beta-spraying other males in order to demonstrate dominance. Will at times follow perceived female 'sweet ass' around the gym to find opportunities to spray beta, and/or acquire female's  given name in order to stalk on social media. 

Conservation Status: Least Concern (LC)

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The Narc: 

Predominantly found lurking climbing and bouldering gyms alike but can be spotted at outdoor sport crags most weekends. Typical stance involves either folded arms or hands on hips. Usually without a shirt. Even in chilling conditions with nipples so erect, you would mistake them as a place to hang your chalk bag. 
To avoid feeling emasculated, will typically seek out much younger women who are either new to the sport or aren't as strong. 
Rarely pass a certain level in climbing progression due to embedded belief they are too naturally talented for training and hard work. Overlapping characteristics with 'Beta-spraying Pickup Artists'.

Conservation Status: Least Concern (LC)

 
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The Noob: 

Ultimately mean well and are usually enthusiastic. But often make you think to yourself: 'What. The. Fuck. Are. You Doing?' or if teaching them: 'Oh why the fuck did I sign up for this?'. Maybe they try and crimp on an extremely small footer, put a harness over their head, strut around in Vibram Five Finger shoes or get tangled while flaking a rope.

Status: Conservation Dependent (CD)

 
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The Hipster: 

Sports either a top-knot or a beard. Probably both. Likes to ingest overpriced craft beer and gastronomical meals after a session. May or may not wear chinos or lycra. If they are vegan, you know already because they've told you. Likes slack-lining whilst consuming fruit. Key diet consists of: Coffee. Kale. Quinoa. Some other fucking health food.

Conservation Status: Least Concern (LC)

 
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The Dirt Bag: 

Scruffy looking. Dirt Bags can be confused with hipsters. But usually, lack of personal hygiene and absence of lycra are key indicators. Dirtbags will offer you a space on their couch ( if they had one). But are usually crashing on someone else's. Rarely own a car. Often complain about the global warming effects of motor vehicles and promote the use of public transport. However, will always expect a lift to the crag in your car. 

Conservation Status: Endangered (EN)

 
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The Addict: 

Simultaneously in a loving (yet at times frustrating) relationship with climbing. BUT If given the ultimatum to choose climbing or sex, they will pick climbing. May give into the ultimate fashion accessory - belay glasses- to save themselves from vulture neck. Trains religiously and seriously. Ironically, has the stamina of a trail runner and the libido of a 16-year-old teenage boy. But due to continual crushing, don't consider pussy chasing or ego tripping pastimes they'd enjoy as much as sending a project. 

Conservation Status: Vulnerable (VU)

Shiver Me Tinders #1

Shiver Me Tinders #1